Monchique

 The day I left for Monchique I had lost all interest in being alive 

I was struggling to recognise joy in my life 

I knew it was there but I couldn’t see it 

It had become obscured by a thick cloud of negatively reinforcing thoughts that had been growing gradually more obtuse the more I spiralled down into impulsive and self harmful behaviours I’d been indulging in the past week. I felt myself sinking further away from the surface of a functional human existence and flickering moments of okay-ness were becoming increasingly illusive 

I had chosen not to embrace life but to hide away and now I experienced the body and mind I inhabited as an intolerable chasm that I had no interest in staying 

The feelings of isolation had moved past the point of loneliness. In many ways I felt like a stranger in my own humanity. An inextricable sense of non belonging and disconnection 

Once again I had fallen so fast and so quickly, my life a week ago seemed irretrievable now. I wondered what had led me to this point and was frustrated at my ‘all or nothing’ tendencies of navigating life which had kept me socially isolated for weeks as I attempted to mentally prepare for what I hoped would be a transformative weekend away

In many ways the prospect of leaving for Portugal felt like a last hope. I was tired. Beyond tired but not exhausted, just tired. The word tired suggests a dull and stubborn pain that takes all of the joy and feeling out of something. I knew that I didn’t want to continue living in the constant fluctuations, uncertainty and instability that after many years had made me so incredibly tired. I envied the girl who in the past had been able to indulge in the power of daydreams and romanticise the small things to craft small moments of joy. I also wondered whether these small moments were enough if they were so fleeting. The whole concept of existence was bizarre to me and I looked out from my hollow and empty cave of a life I had created in awe of people around me who didn’t appear as uncomfortable or as questioning of their ability to live.

I knew at this point I risked falling into a space so dark it would further sever ties to the people around me

It was no longer about the why it was about the how. How do I move past this? How do I create a life for myself where I feel comfortable existing? How do I quiet the thoughts that have kept me in this cycle for much of my life? How do I recognise and embrace the people around me to not neglect the joy that is right in front of me? How can I accept the fact that thoughts arise and feelings change?